Man, I wish this prompt was more specific. I was just thinking earlier today, “I would do well (and have fun) writing an advice column!”
(Does anyone need advice on an oddly specific circumstance? Send me a message!)
In the meantime, let’s see what advice I can cook up for this vast population landscape…
My Advice for Someone Younger than Me: It’s pretty cliche, but it boils down to “don’t take yourself too seriously.”
While I stand by that, part of me wants to point out that I’m very excited by where I am currently in my life, and I wouldn’t be here now if I didn’t take myself entirely too seriously in my younger years. I’m just now learning, at 35, how to be more fluidly goofy. I hope that by the time my daughter turns 2, I know how to be a silly goose–but I’ve always been old for my age, and it’s hard for me to comprehend not being serious.
There’s a lot to unpack for someone who takes life too seriously. It’s not like it’s wrong, or bad, or you’re off to a bad start if you’re intense, focused, results-driven, or–dare I say–deeply anxious. For me, it was (and is) a fear-driven response to me needing control, mainly over my future. If I got good grades, pitched perfect innings, nailed my job interviews, got timely promotions, and was liked well enough through all those stages, I would have checked off all the boxes to achieve The Happy Life that I Should Have By Now, right?
Wrong! Now, I wasn’t living a bad life, but I was wedged so far under my own thumb that I couldn’t breathe. If I made one mistake, I would have a meltdown (of which there were many!). Over time, I had somehow created this sense of self-worth that only maintained my own uncompromising standards as long as I never screwed anything up. Which, spoiler alert, is impossible to do! Imagine being in your 20s–no, any age!–and not screwing anything up. It’s literally laughable now that I’m so far removed from that era of my life–which makes it a pretty sad reality for me when I look back. I did not have to be so hard on myself, and I’m actively working on healing that part of me to this day.
If you’re someone younger than me who is taking life seriously, I salute you for your grit and determination. There is nothing wrong with you. You’re doing what makes you feel safe. Might I suggest that you take some dedicated time to dance, alone in your garage, where nobody can see how silly you might look? Or go to an open mic night at a comedy club and tell a story? Maybe instead you’d enjoy parking your car and walking, with too-heavy comforters and a backpack full of snacks, down to a secluded beach with your friend for a sandy outdoor sleepover? (That may have only worked because it was in 2009 and before the Age of Surveillance…).
All this to say, my advice is to keep up with your responsibilities, but add this to your list: “Do something silly, and love myself through it.” If you must work, work on feeling whole, even when you are perceived to come up short. If you must achieve, be the best at forgiving yourself for your missteps. If you must focus, zero in on how great you’re doing at any given point. And if you must be perfect, know with 100% certainty that you already are–not despite, but because of your imperfections.
The Word 